I don't know what to do anymore.
Two guys on my mind right now.
One of them I don't know how he feels about me at all, he is there one second and gone the next, he comes back about every 6 months - 1 year, and the time he stays varies.
When we are together it is amazing, its like we were meant to be
he was my first boyfriend
the first guy I ever loved
and the one who I am absolutely in love with, yes in love with.
And I know this for sure, if you knew me, and him, you would know that it is the truth.
I think he loves me
I could be sure he loves me
I hope he loves me
And deep down, he knows he loves me.
But he doesn't want to show it, because he is afraid of love.
It is because of the times when he comes back that I know he loves me
It is the way he talks to me
Takes care of me
The way he looks at me
And the way he holds me
But then he is gone, in the blink of an eye, and that leaves me here to think
that it can't really be love, but I know him
I know he is not one to show his feelings.
But then again, I don't know
I am ok when a guy leaves me, because of whatever reason they may have
It may not be true, I may not like it, but at least they have given me one.
But he doesn't, he just walks away, without even a goodbye.
The hardest part, is that I see him everyday, his dads house is one house down from mine, and he is there, everyday, where I can just wait in silence for him to maybe come down to my house again, and we can go to my room like we used to
and hold hands and watch a movie
while he plays with my hair
and hope that we will stay like that forever
or maybe one of those times when I am down at his dads house
when I am playing with his baby sister or talking to his step mom,
he will come up and talk to me,
and that night, we can sit on the porch swing alone together while he holds me
and pray to God that we can stay that way.
I miss him so much.
He can be a great person.
But than he walks away so is he still so great?
He is not going any where in life.
He is taking his fathers business, mowing lawns.
It pays decent money; I mean his father is not poor.
And he is a hard worker, a very hard worker.
He is very moody, obviously since he keeps leaving and coming back.
This last time, he came back, it had been over a year, of me watching him down at his until he moved out and then seeing him there when he came over, a whole year, but he did come back.
I told him this last time that I wouldnt let him leave again, and he said, ok.
He wanted me to make him stay. But it is so hard, what am I suppose to do?
Is all of this worth the effort it will take to try and get him back?
Do the good thing about him, make it worth it?
My mom sees how hurt I am when he is not around. She asked him not to leave. You see, I dont need him a boyfriend, if only I could just have him as a friend.
I need him in my life!
Care to continue onto my next guy?
Now this guy, wow.
He knew what to say to a girl to make her heart melt
He knew what to say to make her feel special
He knew what to say to make her feel like she was the best girl in the whole world.
Everything he said was amazing.
Do you see my pattern here?
It all seems to be what to say he knew what to say!
Does that mean he was all talk?
He bought me stuff, but thats all material things.
But all that doesnt matter anymore
because he doesnt say anything nice anymore, anyway.
I loved spending time with him.
And talking to him.
But he makes me feel worthless now.
We are supposed to be like best friends.
But it seems to be a one way thing.
I am always here for him.
When he calls I drop everything I am doing to answer his phone call
To make sure everything is alright, or if he just wants to talk that fine too
But when I am sitting up crying, or I need someone to talk to
He is never there.
I have told him all of this before, but I dont think he understands how much I really need him
Is all this because he doesnt need to be nice
he doesnt need to make me feel special
he doesnt need to be here for me anymore.
He doesnt think that he needs to do anything anymore
because he knows I will always be here for him, no matter what.
Its getting so hard now though, he brakes promises, he lies, I mean there is so much more I could tell you about but I do not want to get into all of it.
Its scary to me, how I keep holding on like this, like in that one song its like hes a drug, that I am addicted to. But is it good to hold on to someone when you cry every time you get off the phone with them, or almost every time you think about them?
We fight, almost constantly, wouldnt that be a good enough reason to stop talking?
I guess not. Maybe it is because, since we are fighting, at least I know that he is there.
It means he hasnt forgotten me.
But I dont want him out of my life, I want things to go back to the way it used to be.
Whatever that may be.
I need to see him,
I need to talk to him, not over the phone.
He says hes coming over, but he never does.
I dont even know how to explain anything, I dont even know what I wrote, I just typed what came to mind. We have so much, history. So much has happened. We have gone through so much. What am I suppose to do? Why doesnt he understand?
These two guys could not be anymore different, than they are. But they are both special to me.
Please help me! Please?