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[
Posted on November 14, 2007 @ 9:21 pm
]
[ mood | stressed ]

Can somebody please explain to me why someone would want to be deliberately cruel to someone?

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[
Posted on August 26, 2007 @ 2:17 pm
]
[ mood | tired ]

Alright, so I haven't posted since like, what? October? Does anyone get on here anymore anyway, is it really worth coming back? The only people who ever post are Sam, just recently my cousin, sometimes Kate, and those highly annoying groups that I have added in the past. Where is everybody?

Well I guess I could make this more based for myself, no need for anyone else to read, and than those who sign on occasionally can feel free...if I actually keep up with this. Lets see, I feel like letting my feelings out about my friends.

To start off, there is this girl I have been friends with my whole life, we have had alot of ups and downs in the past 17 years. But now we are closer then ever, and I cherish her friendship more than anything. I know we will always be here for each other, for the rest of our lives. We have grown up together, and will continue to grow old together, she will be my bridesmaid and my babys godmother, there is no one that could have take her place.

So there is this other girl who when she smiles, a grin forces itself across my face no matter how mad I am, when she cries I instantly feel her pain and want to cry with her, when I look her in the eyes I know there is no one I could ever trust more regardless of how many broken hearts i've had. I have known her for about 5 years now, and I couldn't ask for a better friend, even though we definitely have our differences. We have so much fun together, and she is the only person I never run out of things to talk about with. I would be lost without her. I hope this friendship never ends.

Now I don't know what happened here, but me and another girl have been bestfriends for 8 years now, and slowly have started to drift apart. We were always together. ALWAYS. Determined that nothing would ever come between us. But then we were sure that everything would be ruined when we had to go are seperate ways and go to different highschools, but things didnt change we still stayed the best of friends. Lately it seems as though a certain guy hads come between us, although she says differently. But either way, I am terribly sorry things are turning out the way they are, because we had an amazing friendship. i hope she knows when things go wrong, i will always be here for her. i would give her the world if I could.

&theres this guy who with one touch of his hand takes my breath away, who can make me laugh when all i want to do is cry, and whose smile brightens my day. He makes me incredibly happy, he is sweet and funny. I love being with him and spending time with him, even if we are doing nothing. I love him more than he will ever know.

Alright, so there are my four favorites. To the rest of my friends, you all are great too, and I wish I could get to know you all better, I have always only had my cousin, 1 or 2 close friends, and a boyfriend as my best friends. Never really wanted anything else, there is always room for change though. Alright. love you guys.
Later.

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[
Posted on October 23, 2006 @ 10:28 pm
]

Nominate me for Homecoming Princess, PLEASE?!?!


I love you guys!

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[
Posted on October 20, 2006 @ 11:29 pm
]
I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me - I’m going to smile.
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Its been awhile. [
Posted on October 15, 2006 @ 8:05 pm
]
Alright so apparently the last time I updated was like 6 months ago, so Emily says I have to update now.

This weekend was pretty fun.

Friday
Emily and Beth came over and we hung out and talked. Then we went to bed and me and Em stayed up in bed talking until around 1:30.

Saturday
Woke up way too early! Set up for a yardsale, me and Emily and Beth just messed around and talked.
Emily went home around 6:00 and then we took my dad to the place he was having his sleep study at around 7:30, then went to the mall with my mom, brother, and Beth. I saw Oscar and Jamie was working. Got home at 9:15 and went to babysit across the street, Jamie came over at 10.
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d38/just__ask/meandem021.jpg <<<< me and the kid, i have no idea what that face is about

Sunday
Got home around 2:30 a.m. and went to bed. Woke up at like 8:30 because Jamie had to go to church and I had to watch my brother. Did some chores, basically just lounged around.

This is the best picture I could find out of 24 its pretty sad haha
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d38/just__ask/meandem008.jpg (at the volleyball game thursday with Emily)

Alright that was my weekend. Thanks for reading.
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Sorry its so long guys! [
Posted on April 09, 2006 @ 11:01 pm
]
[ mood | depressed ]

I don't know what to do anymore.

Two guys on my mind right now.

One of them I don't know how he feels about me at all, he is there one second and gone the next, he comes back about every 6 months - 1 year, and the time he stays varies.

When we are together it is amazing, its like we were meant to be
he was my first boyfriend
the first guy I ever loved
and the one who I am absolutely in love with, yes in love with.
And I know this for sure, if you knew me, and him, you would know that it is the truth.

I think he loves me
I could be sure he loves me
I hope he loves me
And deep down, he knows he loves me.
But he doesn't want to show it, because he is afraid of love.

It is because of the times when he comes back that I know he loves me
It is the way he talks to me
Takes care of me
The way he looks at me
And the way he holds me
But then he is gone, in the blink of an eye, and that leaves me here to think
that it can't really be love, but I know him
I know he is not one to show his feelings.
But then again, I don't know

I am ok when a guy leaves me, because of whatever reason they may have
It may not be true, I may not like it, but at least they have given me one.
But he doesn't, he just walks away, without even a goodbye.
The hardest part, is that I see him everyday, his dads house is one house down from mine, and he is there, everyday, where I can just wait in silence for him to maybe come down to my house again, and we can go to my room like we used to
and hold hands and watch a movie
while he plays with my hair
and hope that we will stay like that forever
or maybe one of those times when I am down at his dads house
when I am playing with his baby sister or talking to his step mom,
he will come up and talk to me,
and that night, we can sit on the porch swing alone together while he holds me
and pray to God that we can stay that way.



I miss him so much.
He can be a great person.
But than he walks away so is he still so great?
He is not going any where in life.
He is taking his fathers business, mowing lawns.
It pays decent money; I mean his father is not poor.
And he is a hard worker, a very hard worker.
He is very moody, obviously since he keeps leaving and coming back.
This last time, he came back, it had been over a year, of me watching him down at his until he moved out and then seeing him there when he came over, a whole year, but he did come back.
I told him this last time that I wouldnt let him leave again, and he said, ok.
He wanted me to make him stay. But it is so hard, what am I suppose to do?
Is all of this worth the effort it will take to try and get him back?
Do the good thing about him, make it worth it?

My mom sees how hurt I am when he is not around. She asked him not to leave. You see, I dont need him a boyfriend, if only I could just have him as a friend.

I need him in my life!

Care to continue onto my next guy?


Now this guy, wow.

He knew what to say to a girl to make her heart melt
He knew what to say to make her feel special
He knew what to say to make her feel like she was the best girl in the whole world.
Everything he said was amazing.
Understand?
Do you see my pattern here?
It all seems to be what to say he knew what to say!
Does that mean he was all talk?
He bought me stuff, but thats all material things.
But all that doesnt matter anymore
because he doesnt say anything nice anymore, anyway.

I loved spending time with him.
And talking to him.
But he makes me feel worthless now.
We are supposed to be like best friends.
But it seems to be a one way thing.
I am always here for him.
When he calls I drop everything I am doing to answer his phone call
To make sure everything is alright, or if he just wants to talk that fine too
But when I am sitting up crying, or I need someone to talk to
He is never there.
I have told him all of this before, but I dont think he understands how much I really need him


Is all this because he doesnt need to be nice
he doesnt need to make me feel special
he doesnt need to be here for me anymore.
He doesnt think that he needs to do anything anymore
because he knows I will always be here for him, no matter what.
Its getting so hard now though, he brakes promises, he lies, I mean there is so much more I could tell you about but I do not want to get into all of it.
Its scary to me, how I keep holding on like this, like in that one song its like hes a drug, that I am addicted to. But is it good to hold on to someone when you cry every time you get off the phone with them, or almost every time you think about them?

We fight, almost constantly, wouldnt that be a good enough reason to stop talking?
I guess not. Maybe it is because, since we are fighting, at least I know that he is there.
It means he hasnt forgotten me.


But I dont want him out of my life, I want things to go back to the way it used to be.
Whatever that may be.
I need to see him,
I need to talk to him, not over the phone.
He says hes coming over, but he never does.
I dont even know how to explain anything, I dont even know what I wrote, I just typed what came to mind. We have so much, history. So much has happened. We have gone through so much. What am I suppose to do? Why doesnt he understand?


These two guys could not be anymore different, than they are. But they are both special to me.

Please help me! Please?

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[
Posted on March 31, 2006 @ 7:45 pm
]
hey guys, I know I haven't updated in a very very long time, but I have been sooo busy lately.
Anyway I kinda just wanted to vent.

I really am starting to hate my family so much! They are always fighting, my mom gets mad and says that whenever my grammy is mad at anyone she expects the rest of us to be mad too, but my mom does the same freaking thing, she is mad at about everyone in my family, so she won't let me talk to them, yea she has a good reason to be mad at them, and I am mad at them for everything that has happened to, but they are my family, and I love them, no matter what, and its not like they killed someone. I just wish everyone in our family would get along. There is so much shit that goes on, I could not even begin to describe it all. I really want everything to be better, I was literally in tears today because of all this shit.

I love you all!
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[
Posted on February 14, 2006 @ 12:05 pm
]
Happy Valentines Day Everyone!
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[
Posted on February 11, 2006 @ 12:04 pm
]
[ mood | distressed ]

nothing left of what used to be,
there is not even a glimpse of true feeling
where it used to run rampant,
where it used to be my lifes blood
the barren now threatens to strangle me
the memories that used to bring me so much joy
and the voice that used to pull me through
now leaves me despondent and shattered

it seems at a lose now....
no real hope to see me through,
yet still I push,
striving to revive what was once there,
for though it may kill me
and I may lose everything
the rewards that I would reap
would be the greatest imaginable,
enduring and unscathable love

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[
Posted on January 20, 2006 @ 11:25 pm
]
Have you ever felt the wanting to die?
Have you ever questioned suicide?
Have you ever curled up with your problem?
Have you ever dragged it across your
skin, and prayed
for the courage to press down, and cut your arm gently?
Have you ever felt the world gone, and you alone?
Have you ever been forgotten?
Have you ever confused a dream with life?
Have you ever felt your depression so thick it chokes you?
Have you ever felt like ending it all,
Letting the unknown suffocate your dream?
I know I have'
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[
Posted on January 17, 2006 @ 10:19 am
]
Ok
So I realize that my last entry didn't sound very bad. What happened may not be to you. But the main point is, we may never talk again.

Its not only that I am losing someone that I had been in love with for three year, I am also losing a much loved friend, but I have other friends as well who I know will always be here for me, and whos knows he may come back around and ofcourse I will be here waiting.

And to those of you who are always here for me or maybe even sometimes. Even if we only really talk on the computer. Thank you.
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I promised myself I wouldn't cry over him...but I did. [
Posted on January 14, 2006 @ 8:58 pm
]
[ mood | crushed ]

I don't know why I always let him do this to me.
It happens everytime.
We start talking again and then become really close then start "doing stuff" and then go out.
Then he gets scared and I don't talk to him for several months to a year.

Well I hadn't talked to him for a whole freaking year.
I missed him soo much.
We started talking again and then started to get really close.
This time we decided that we wouldn't go out though so that he wouldn't leave.

But now he started being an ass.
I don't know what happened.
He had been being so sweet.

I went over to his dads house where he was and asked him if he was mad at me.
Ofcourse he said no, so I asked if he would tell me if he really was mad and he said no.
So, I said well shouldn't you tell me if your mad so if you are mad I could leave you alone.
And then he said "Well you sure didn't leave me alone yesterday."

WTF? All I did yesterday was what he wanted me to do, follow him around while he frikin worked.
 I tried to offer to help him, I really wanted to help him but he wouldn't let me.
So, all I did was what he wanted, I really wish I knew why he was mad.
Or if he is just doing what he always does.

Anyway he told some bullshit lies to his dad, about me.
Well that is after his dad cussed him out for being an ass to me.
I really wish I knew what was going on, I was really really happy with the way things were going.

So I just spent from about 6- 9 at his parents house hanging out with them.
Because I love his parents, they are amazing, especially his step mom.
We sit there and talk about what an idiot he is :)

She is like a teenager I swear Jamie was down there with me
And most of the time down there our conversation was about boners
So then I was sitting on the couch with her and her husband and Jamie was on the other couch.
And the cat jumped up on the couch and Mr. Elliot hit it and I told him he was mean.
Then she said " hes hard on all his pussys". hahaha

Jamie then came and sat on the couch with us and so the four of us were sitting there
And Shawnna says I didn't know I could fit 4 pussys on the couch.
Referring to me, Jamie, her, and the kitty.
And then ofcourse I had to add in and a boner.

Well so I am sure you can gather from this that she is a really awesome mom.
She slightly makes up for the guy being such a jerk.
But I am still really hurt.

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Sam [
Posted on December 17, 2005 @ 9:42 pm
]
I heard this song "You're gonna be" the other day and I thought it had a good chorus, this song is for all of you but mainly I thought of Sam when I heard it, so here you go Sam.

"You're gonna fly with every dream you chase
You're gonna cry, but know that that's okay
Sometimes life's not fair, but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good
We just have to believe things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be"

<3 you
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[
Posted on December 16, 2005 @ 10:55 pm
]
[ mood | tired ]

Ok my brake planned out thus far.

Tomorrow
I have to get up at like 6:00 to get ready to go with Jamie to Disney and then I am staying the night at her house.

Sunday
Maybe going to church if Jamie's family is going, then maybe working at the flea market depending on if my other friends sold anything on saturday. After that going back to Jamies house, and having a christmas party, that is if Jame invited anyone over. At about 7:00 I am leaving her house to have a stupid sleep study.

Monday
I have to babysit in the morning from like 9:30 - 12:00 so the kids mom can go to the store and the denist. Then Jamie is coming over and staying the night.

Tuesday
My mom wants to take me, Jamie, and Rachel to the mall, I don't know why but she does, so I am going to the mall. Probably going back to Jamies that night.

Wednesday
I will be at Jamies house but I will be coming home that day or night and I don't know what I will be doing, maybe babysitting my cousin.

Thursday and Friday
I will be babysitting from 9-5 both days.

Saturday
Isn't that Christmas Eve? Well I think, so I am going to go around Sanford looking at Christmas lights whit my family and then going to a Christmas Eve party and then Santa is going to come that night :) lol

Sunday
Yay Christmas! I am going to do the whole present thing. Probably play with my brother some, with his new toys, and I don't think I will have anything to play with for Christmas, I haven't gotten anything to play with in several years now, but maybe I will get something to do, which will probably take up most of the day, besides wrapping more presents for family, then going to a Christmas Party at my Grammy's house were there will be more presents and I will have to watch, 3 of my little cousins the whole time ( one is three years old the other is one, and the youngest one is like 8 months or something maybe younger).

Well thats all I have planned for now, I may update later. Well this was sufficiently boring. Love you guys!

 

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Losing [
Posted on December 12, 2005 @ 8:29 pm
]
[ mood | sad ]

I am losing more friends with each passing day.

I am now left with only one friend that I have to hang out with outside of school. That would be Jamie, who will forever be my best friend and I know she will always be here for me. But Brandon, he has hurt me so many times, and I have forgiven him every time, made him top priority in my life, maybe because I want him in my life, he was one of my bestfriends and I love him. Sure maybe he will still come over, but it will not be the same I can not trust him anymore, I should have never trusted him again after all the many times he hurt me, but ofcourse I did everytime thinking he had changed that he wouldn't do anything again. He ofcourse today has proved me wrong. I do not even know why I cry anymore, especially about this, but I started talking to him about what happened or rather yelling and I broke down in tears, I can not even talk to him right now, it hurts too much.

But I know I will again let him back into my life, and everything will go back to normal, it will be as if I was never upset or mad at him, while I hide my feeling from everyone again, until the next time.

 

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[
Posted on December 10, 2005 @ 6:09 pm
]
I am def. going to be grounded all of Christmas break if I get my report card. I think the calender that we were doing in Digital Design was our midterm and I didn't do it because I haven't been at school and someone stole my pen drive that had all my pictures on it so I couldn't do it anyway. My english class I haven't sent it about 7 assignments and the last one she gave us was suppose to be a big test but I didn't send it in on time because I went to the Shriners hospital. World History I haven't turned in anything in about a month because I have been so busy, and Algebra I forgot to do my last test, so I am pretty much screwed. I really want to bring my grades up I am truly ashamed of myself this will be the worst report card I have ever had.

Oh and by the way Homecoming sucks.
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[
Posted on November 21, 2005 @ 8:51 pm
]
[ mood | confused ]

Why does it hurt so bad
to lose something I never had?
To have these feelings and nothing to do
just sit around and wait for you.

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[
Posted on November 18, 2005 @ 9:11 am
]
So, I really like him but I guess maybe he doesnt feel the same anymore or he just doesn't want it to worrk out? Definetly confusing. I wish that I would have made it work out the first time, but I screwed up, like ussual.
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[
Posted on November 18, 2005 @ 9:04 am
]
[ mood | curious ]

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF:
? I died from natural causes:
? I said I liked you:
? I kissed you:
? I lived next door to you:
? I stole something:
? I was hospitalized:
? I ran away from home:
? I got into a fight and you weren't there:

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:
? Personality:
? Eyes:
? Face:
? Hair:
? Family:

WOULD YOU:
? Be my friend?:
? Keep a secret if I told you one?:
? Hold my hand?:
? Take a bullet for me?:
? Keep in touch?:
? Try and solve my problems?:
? Love me?:
? Date me?:

HAVE YOU EVER:
? Lied to make me feel better?:
? Wanted to kiss me?:
? Wanted to kill me?:
? Broke my heart?:
? Kept something important from me?:
? Thought I was unbearably annoying?:

~*::And More::*~
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Describe me in one word.
7. What was your first impression of me?
8. Do you still think that way about me now?
9. What reminds you of me.
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?
11. How well do you know me?
12. When's the last time you saw me?
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
14. Are you gonna put this on your blog to see what I say about you-

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[
Posted on November 18, 2005 @ 8:06 am
]
V O T E  M E   F O R   H O M E C O M I N G   C O U R T ! ! ! ! !
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